Margaret J. Meeker, M.D., author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know, starts her first chapter as a call for good men. She asks men give “all their strength and wit” because they are the ones above all others that set the course for their daughters.
I went to Yeardley Love’s funeral with my 22 year-old son. The University of Virginia (UVA) lacrosse player was murdered earlier this month apparently at the hands of a former boyfriend. My son, a college lacrosse player, was friends with Yeardley, her accused murderer and many of the players on the UVA lacrosse teams. Sitting next to him, I could feel him trying to process his conflicted emotions surrounding the tragedy, compounded by knowing both the victim and the victimizer. The young men sitting around me sobbed and sniffled. At one point I turned to a distraught young man and asked him if I could give him a hug. I was surprised at the strength and endurance of his hug as he held onto me seeking comfort and, I suspect, affirmation of his emotions and manhood. As he let go he said “thank you” without ever looking at me. Here lies part of the problem and a solution to the epidemic of violence women experience every day in my home state of Maryland, Colorado and the rest of the country.
The other day my daughter, Luna and I were picking up a few groceries on our way home. As I was at the checkout a woman from the bakery rolled out a cart with hot, fresh loaves of bread. Luna asked if we could get one and I motioned for her to run over and request a loaf. Luna proudly came back with the warmest loaf in the batch. As we rolled out of the parking lot heading for home the two of us eagerly tore off hunks of warm bread, popping them into our mouths. Luna was particular to the doughy center and I the flakey crust.
It’s high noon on December 12th and the Special Needs Dadvocate is sitting in a tattoo joint. Actually it’s pretty nice tattoo joint aptly named Faith Tattoo in Golden, CO. No I’m not going through a mid-life crisis, I’m here to support my 18-year-old son Cody. He has his two best buds here to experience his first tattoo, so he doesn’t need me to be here, but, and this is the cool part, he wanted me here! Cody has been planning this piece of art for months, actually years. The tattoo he chose was…wait; let me back up a little.
“Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us together today.” Okay guys, what movie is that line from? Who guessed The Princess Bride? Dads, if you haven’t seen The Princess Bride, stop reading and go watch the movie right now! Get over the title; it’s not a chick-flick. There are swords, pirates, women and fights to the death, revenge, and true love! Yes, true love and marriage. Real men need to remember how to fight for true love and marriage, no matter how tough things get.
At the recent Fatherhood Training in Denver we discussed the issue of minorities and “white privilege” as it pertains to fatherhood. During the discussion I postulated that the fatherless epidemic had more to do with how much money you made than the color of your skin. That it boiled down to more of a matter of class than race. Well, I now believe I was wrong.
What if the notion of privilege really had more to do with the cultural stories we tell and the way these messages affect our view of ourselves and our place in the world than it does with how rich your great grandpa was? It wasn’t until just recently that I figured this out – that the proverbial light bulb came on so to speak. It happened when I stumbled across a video lecture by Michael Kimmel, sociologist, author, and pro-feminist.
I recently attended a workshop presented by Jackson Katz entitled “More Than a Few Good Men: Strategies for Inspiring Men and Boys to be Allies in Gender Violence Prevention”. Jackson Katz is one of the leading national figures in prompting men to take a stand against gender violence. He engages men through a variety of mediums as a documentarian (check out his ground breaking first film, Tough Guise, which explores issues of masculinity in the media), an author, a public speaker, and collaborator in the Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP) Program.
Hey dads, have you ever had a fleeting thought or maybe even daydreamed about life without your child with special needs? I have. I know I’m not the only dad out there who has ever “thought the thought”, because I’ve talked to other parents, dads and moms, who admit that they have, and still do on occasion, wonder what their lives would be like if …
What I like most about working with dads is learning what it’s been like to walk in their shoes. As a fatherhood advocate I hear the successes they’ve had and the challenges they’ve encountered. By better understanding their life circumstances, I can strongly advocate for their needs. I’ve asked the dads that I work with both through one on one case management and in group settings if they would prefer a male advocate. They unanimously respond that they are grateful that there is help available and that they don’t care what gender is providing them assistance. The group members express that they appreciate a woman’s perspective and the respect I give each of them as it relates to the way group is facilitated. I’ve been told that I allow them to own their fatherhood group.
Watching fathers acknowledge and change non-nurturing behaviors and seeing children respond quickly to those changes is a key factor in the work being done at Aurora Mental Health Center’s “Nurturing Fatherhood” program. Our program has only been up and running for four weeks and these changes are already evident.
