A recent article by Time Magazine (“Fatherhood 2.0” THURSDAY, OCT. 04, 2007) featured the cover tag line “Stay at Home Dads: Why Real Men Change Diapers”. The article argues that currently there is a new breed of father emerging in our society. A man that spends more time with his kids and devotes more time to domesticity, but at the same time seems confused by his new role and left questioning his masculinity. After reading this article I couldn’t help but ponder not only the claim that fathers today are doing it better but also whether or not a man had to sacrifice his masculinity to do so.

I first became involved with the Colorado Promoting Responsible Fatherhood Initiative when I got hired on at the Weld County Department of Social Services. One of my duties in my position is to provide in-kind support to Summitview Community Church’s Fatherhood Program. When I first learned that Summitview’s program was called B.A.M! – short for “Be A Man”, I have to admit that I was a bit puzzled at first.

Immediately images of John Wayne throwing someone through a saloon window and then stoically returning to his whiskey came to mind. I thought about the phrase ”take it like a man” and what that was supposed to mean, and then I even pondered how any us non smokers could ever hope to become a man - because of course we don’t smoke the same cigarettes as Mick Jagger. (“Well he can’t be a man because he doesn’t smoke the same cigarettes as me” – Satisfaction)

I thought of my step-father’s fascination with Robert Bly in the late 80s and his issues with coming to terms with his own masculinity. I remember him going to what seemed to me as some hokey men’s retreat where he reportedly screamed bare-chested in the woods and beat on drums and cried on other men’s shoulders. I never thought of him as less or more of a man for going to these, although perhaps as a teenager I did question his sanity. I thought of my own father’s stint as a stay-at home dad in the 70s and the fun times we had together and how at the age of three I never thought of him as a sissy or less of a man for cooking and hanging out with me. I also remember him trying to give me some sort of sex talk in grade school and not really understanding anything other than that there was a plethora of ways to refer to one’s testicles.

Speaking of which, I would like to postulate that it is not simply “parts” that make the man. I don’t think that any one would argue that seven time Tour de France champion; Lance Armstrong is less of a man for having survived testicular cancer. Do we not equate champions and star athletes with masculinity in our society?

Perhaps the problem lies in our inability to always feel comfortable with being ourselves. There are so many social pressures influencing who we are, or who we think we are, or even who other people want us to be; the media, our friends, our family, government and religion just to name a few. It would seem obvious that as we seek to redefine fatherhood in our society we might also have to redefine our own perception of masculinity.

Surprisingly, as I came to be more involved in the B.A.M! Program it became glaringly obvious to me what it meant to be man. I now thoroughly embrace the program’s name, because it now has meaning for me. In my experience with both the B.A.M! Program as well as with other programs within the Colorado Fatherhood Initiative I found that there is one basic characteristic that everyone agrees on that defines what it truly takes to be a man – the ability to take responsibility for oneself. Quite simply that means that if you have fathered a child that you are there for them, that you have taken responsibility for the life that you have helped to create.

There are so many ways to be there for your kids. And that’s why the slogan of the Colorado Promoting Responsible Fatherhood Initiative is absolutely perfect – “Be There for Your Kids”. Traditionally society has viewed a man’s role as being the provider. Ok, that‘s a start. Kids definitely need food, shelter, and clothing, but they also need more than that to truly grow and develop as human beings. Being there also means sharing your time, listening, playing with your kids, setting a good example, setting and enforcing limits, and inspiring them to be all that they can, among other fatherly duties.

As for the notion that today’s fathers are more involved than fathers of previous generations I do believe that the institution of fatherhood is currently going through a remarkable period of growth and change, but I also believe that it is a misperception to say that we are doing it better. Sure, there are those of us who are very involved in the lives of our children, but there are also those of us who are not there at all. Referring again to the article in Time Magazine, the article states that "Men today are far more involved with their families than they have been at virtually any other time in the last century”. I wonder how this can be true if Census Bureau statistics state that currently 40% of kids in America are growing up without a father or a father figure present in their lives at all. That doesn’t sound very involved to me.

Ralph LaRossa in his book The Modernization of Fatherhood writes, “While it may be gratifying for men in the late twentieth century to believe that they are the first generation to change a diaper or give a baby a bath, the simple truth is that they are not”. In his book Mr. LaRossa attributes this fallacy in thinking to a lack of a “usable history” within the scope of fatherhood movements. He argues that there was another lesser known revolution and redefinition of the institution of fatherhood in America that occurred during the 1920s and 30s. Our lack of connection with that movement confines us to viewing the current state of fatherhood in a narrow context that does not account for the bigger picture.

Most likely there have been loving, providing, involved fathers throughout time, all of them possessing just the right amount of masculinity to be successful fathers. These fathers didn’t have to prove their masculinity. They embodied it in the way that they lived by taking responsibility for themselves and their families. I would like to suggest that anyone that accepts the challenge and responsibility of becoming the best possible father for his children is man enough for any of us.