Fatherhood is the hardest and most rewarding job a man will perform during his lifetime.  What makes this endeavor so challenging is that there is no training provided and no instruction manuals to seek much needed answers. In other words, a man will have to acquire experience through trial and error in order to succeed at this job. Fatherhood, as defined by  Webster’s II New Riverside Dictionary, is a child’s male ancestor, namely, the male that helped in the creation of the new life.

Fatherhood is a journey full of challenges, as one needs to serve as a disciplinarian, leader and mentor, and later in the offspring’s life, the role of impartial counselor. As stated above, there is no training required; however, both actors in this drama must have to develop the patience needed to endure their journey together. Father and child are bound to accept everything that their lives together will offer them. Morally, a man is obliged to accept his responsibilities and to perform his fatherly duties to the best of his ability. The child on the other hand is compelled (theoretically) to learn by watching and imitating what his/her father does, as these ‘hands on’ teachings will provide the offspring with the necessary tools to excel once they have become adults. These statements as simple as they appear to the reader can be used to construct the very basic foundation that a parent and his child can adhere by in order to reap the rewards that will lie ahead as they journey their way through life.

I must add at this time that father and child will have to work together through the following if they are to succeed in their relationship: trials, tribulations, and a myriad of other obstacles that will make them stronger as they do their best to adjust to their roles of father and child. In short, the journey could be as tedious for the parent as it will be for the child.

Every parent, regardless of being present or absent from the family nucleus, always fantasize about what their children will become when they attain adulthood. As a parent I fantasize about my son being a baseball player since I love the game of baseball myself. Unfortunately, while he likes to watch baseball on occasion, my son, as a teenager, prefers video games. I fantasize of my teenage daughter going to college and being successful, she is smart, pretty and determined. I have no clear notion of what I would like for her to become since I am only around them once a year during the summer.

I am married and the father of five children. This is my third marriage. I left the side of my older children when they were very little, (six and three-years of age to be precise). Since the time I deserted them, I have only been in their presence sporadically, mainly once every two years. This summer I had the pleasure to have my two older children spend a week in my Denver dwelling along with my present wife and my two young daughters, who are now, ironically close to the ages when I left my first wife, on her own, to care for our children.

I found myself being mesmerized by their physical and mental growth as both my son and daughter are about as tall as I am. My two younger daughters were delighted to tell their ‘classmates’ at day care that they have a big brother and sister, and that they love them very much.

After my children returned to their mother, I did not feel immediate anger towards her as we engaged in casual conversation regarding our children. As I left for Denver (they live in another part of Colorado), I began to contemplate about how bad of a father I have been towards my older children, and how content they were about being in the ‘big city’ as they referred to Denver and its surrounding suburbs.

Old wounds were opened as I dropped them off on that cloudy Saturday morning. Feelings such as remorse, anger, personal desperation and marital and emotional defeat at the time of me leaving them, all flashed through my mind at once. I felt sick, heartbroken, defeated and powerless; only a ‘once caring’ father who has abandoned his children can relate to those feelings as they become an integral part of who we have actually become; deadbeat dads.

I have arrived to this point not because it was the moral thing to do, as morality requires consistency when making informed decisions that affect the lives of others under our care, which is something that a deadbeat father cannot exercise due to his shortcomings. I have actually, once again, arrived to this point in my life because as I spent time with my older children this past summer, I realized how much I time I have lost by being angry not only at their mother, but also at myself.

Watching my teenage children have their own conversations and interact with me as if I have been there with them all of their lives made me understand that my oldest son and daughter are aware that they are not to blame for my departure and subsequent problems that their mother and I have had throughout the years. Therefore, it is my belief that they are impartial spectators in my never ending drama with their mother.

My intentions in writing about this subject is to share my experiences with the hopes that other men like me who have abandoned their children can come to the realization that they still have time to re-enter the lives of their offspring. As fathers we must be aware that the process of regaining our children’s trust will be long and time consuming since we shattered their trust the day we walked out of their lives. In other words, we are not to expect miracles from our children once we attempt to return into their lives.

There is a negative stigma in relation to being a father, especially, when that father leaves his children. Once a man walks out on his children, he must prove to all involved that his desertion and his love for his kids do not go hand in hand. For a man who abandons his family might have done so for a reason other than him not wanting to be a dad. If we take, for example, marital problems (which are generally disagreements born out the differences in opinions between a man and his wife); does that make him a bad parent? Or how about a man who leave his kids behind to pursue a romantic relationship with a woman other than his wife; does that make him a deadbeat dad? The answers to these two questions are yes. What makes a deadbeat dad is not paying his financial obligation towards his children. What makes him a bad father is his absence, nothing more.

Finally, financial compensation in the form of child support is mandated by law in the United States and its outlying territories, regardless of whom or why the intimate relationship was terminated; therefore, one should not use this parameter to make a determination of a man’s parental skills. After all, every child needs some sort of financial help to assist with his/her never ending needs. Although this financial assistance is a welcome relief to a custodial spouse, it does not replace the time that a father can spend with his kids. After all, why does a five-year old need to be worried about money when his/her main concern is to be around their dad? I am certain that my children felt that way when I walked out of their lives and I was not there to attend to them, and that, GENTLEMEN, I will regret for the rest of my natural life.