Fastbreak for Fathers - Family

Losing a Child

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 12:35:00-0700

Life is a procession of events. Our physical rhythm is tied to events such as sleeping and eating and we naturally try to avoid pain and seek pleasure. I have found most of my life has been just this, without much thought about why I even exist or matter.

On April 8, 2010 a normal day was unfolding for me. I was living the day as I had so many others with a procession of expected events. This changed when my son, Alex, called from his apartment near the college campus he was attending. He asked if I would pick him up and bring him home because he had a bad case of the flu and didn’t want to drive.

When I picked him up at 1:30 he seemed slow and lethargic. I had brought his chocolate lab, Raleigh, with me, as she always brought him a smile, but not so on this occasion. I remember commenting his breath was very bad, and him apologizing. He had the chills and said his head and back hurt. When we arrived home at 2 p.m. he just wanted to lie down and get warm. I brought him blankets and gave him some water and Tylenol. He seemed bothered by the light, so I drew the shades. Raleigh also bothered him, so I thought I would let him rest so took her for a 20-minute walk, to wear her down. Upon my return I discovered Alex had tried every bed in the house and he said he just couldn’t get comfortable.

For the first time I was becoming concerned that this was more than the flu, perhaps the swine flu, which was a big deal the year before. Around 3 p.m. he said that perhaps he should go to the hospital, as he vomited the water and Tylenol and was becoming dehydrated. I don’t know what transpired in the next hour, but I still thought he would get better through rest and perhaps a different type of drink. At 4 p.m. I called our health maintenance organization to get permission to take him to emergency. A message was left then, around 5 p.m. Alex’s mom, Mari, came home from work. I then went to the grocery store to pick up some Thera-Flu medicine, Jell-O and more sport drinks. Upon my return the nurse had called and said to take him to the hospital.

Once at the hospital Alex walked in and told his mom he was afraid. He never said he was afraid of anything before, so this was concerning. The front reception in the emergency room took his blood pressure and said it was 70 over 30 and stated something must be was wrong with his machine. Alex was then put into a room and a nurse came and attached him to an intravenous drip to hydrate.

A doctor came to visit Alex after about 30 minutes and said they would be taking a few tests, such as a chest X-ray and a blood draw. She thought H1N1 was a possibility, but likely that he was very dehydrated. Time elapsed and the staff began to show concerns that his blood pressure was not improving and that he was not passing water. Time continued its march; at 10 p.m. he developed a visible rash like appearance in his arms and legs, which we were told was a telltale sign of bacterial meningitis. This “rash” caused panic from the staff and major movement began – a spinal tap, preparing a place in intensive care and the calling in of specialists. All this time Alex was trying to keep his humor and grace, but became visibly confused and, at one point, began taking off all of the tubes and monitors and asked his mom to take him home. Stupidly, I had made a run home to feed the dogs and make sure the stove wasn’t left on, so missed this panic by our son.

None of us, Alex, Mari or I, had any idea of the severity of the situation. It wasn’t until about midnight when a hospital Chaplin approached us with a physician and told us he may not survive.

Friends of ours, both doctors, came to the hospital and watched and explained what was transpiring. It was the worst experience a parent could have. Alex’s blood pressure became nonexistent and at 3 p.m. he was pronounced dead. Our beautiful, perfectly healthy son died within hours of walking into the hospital.

________________________

Why did I tell this story? It is simply because too many parents take their children for granted, that they will not outlive their children. I certainly did. I now must tell others that I have two children, one on earth and the other is in heaven. It pains me, to try to find acceptance to the loss of my son. Right now I am very thankful for the 20 years I had with him. Teaching him to ride a bike, to drive, to play chess and to find humor in all situations gives me warmth, but not to see him graduate from college, get married, have his own children leaves me empty.

I would say to all of you, keep your children in your lives; be there for them, because they are a gift, not to be taken for granted. I know. As parents, we matter to our children, but know they also the matter to us – having a son or a daughter is a journey of both the physical and spiritual. With a love that is deeper than any, I now know love transcends life, but that life is precious, grab it with both hands and never let go.

2010 Be There Award Winners

Sun, 20 Jun 2010 19:49:00-0700

Happy Father’s Day and Congratulation to our 2010 Be There for Your Kids 2010 Award winners! (Pictured left to right at the pregame of the June 18th Rockies game - Ken Sanders, Linda Kempe - Fatherhood Support Services, Kevin Crumley, Kendie & Kendall Davis)

Kevin Crumley – Father of the Year (follow this link for Bill Johnson’s column in The Denver Post on Kevin

Fatherhood Support Services – Program of the Year (follow this link for FSI’s website)

Kendall Davis – Outstanding Father Reengagement Award

Ken Sanders – Fatherhood Practitioner of the Year (Click here to read a profile on The Center on Fathering in the September 2009 issue of The Face of Fatherhood in Colorado. Ken is the Center’s Director)

Terry Spindler – Colorado Fatherhood Council Member of the Year

I was also awarded Outstanding Leader of the Year, in part because as of the beginning of this month I have transitioned to a new role. After helping to establish the Colorado Fatherhood Initiative I have accepted a position with the Denver office of Public Strategies Inc. as the project manager for the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center which includes the website twoofus.org.

It has been a joy to work with men and women across state working to improve child wellbeing through father involvement. I’m convinced that Colorado is well positioned to continue their great work for dads and I will continue to do all that I can to support that endeavor.

The most important thing

Sat, 22 May 2010 14:29:00-0700

In an interview that will be published in June I was asked, "What do you feel is the most important thing a father can provide for his child?"

How would you answer? My response might have been different twenty years ago and may well be different twenty years from now (my kids are approaching 23, 21, 19 and 17) but this is how I responded today. [More]

"Be there for them"

Sun, 16 May 2010 10:06:00-0700

I’ve been a follower of Mark Brady’s blog, The Committed Parent: Translating social neuroscience to help parents raise kids we can live with and we’re crazy about, for some time. In a recent post, Wiring the Brain for Wisdom, Brady cites research that identifies compassion, self-understanding, morality and emotional stability as some of the cornerstones of wisdom. He then expounds upon his belief in the importance of social neuroscience and the heart and brain connection in regards to wisdom. He also mentions the cultivation of learned fearlessness, and includes Princeton philosophy professor and social critic, Cornel West as someone who he believes demonstrates “learned fearlessness with deep roots planted early in his heart.” – Brady began his post with a quote by West on President Obama.

What does this have to do with the title of this post, “Be there for them”? [More]

Check out our links for moms!

Sun, 09 May 2010 09:59:00-0700

We may be a fatherhood site but one of our best-kept secrets is our page for moms! Follow this link for almost 20 interactive websites for moms including Mile High Mommas, Moms Like Me, and Amazing Moms.

I also encourage you to check out New York Times Magazine contributing writer, Lisa Belkin’s blog: Motherlode – Adventures in Parenting, the podcasts of the dynamic mother-daughter duo of Marti and Erin Erickson at Good Enough Moms and our own Colorado Parent Online Magazine.

An old Swahili proverb says, Penzi la mama tamu, haliishi hamu (Mother's love is so sweet that you never have enough of it.) May our children know and live in the security and sweetness of a mother’s love.

Accepting Nominations

Thu, 06 May 2010 13:48:00-0700

We are accepting nominations for the 2010 Be There for Your Kids Awards. This year’s winners will be honored during the pre-game ceremony of the June 18th Rockies game. Nominations are due May 15.

Last year’s winners included:
Jerome Perkins (pictured on the far right) – Fatherhood Practitioner of the Year - Jerome is the administrator of Christlife Ministries in Pueblo. Christlife Ministries focuses mentoring fathers in prison to connect with their children on the inside while also preparing them for a lasting relationship with their family when they are released.

Joel Webster (Pictured on the right with Governor Bill Ritter) – Father of the Year – Joel and his wife Bridget are parents to 13-year-old Michael and 9-year-old Haley. Joel rose from the ashes so to speak . . . after spending part of his childhood in foster care and being homeless for a short period of time, Joel demonstrated a tremendous commitment to getting his life in order and eventually married and became the kind of dad his step son and biological daughter need him to be. Joel broke a negative cycle and has replaced it with powerful presence of courage, nurturance, and hope.

You probably know someone deserving of a Be There Award. Nominees must be a resident of Colorado and fall into one of the following eight categories: [More]

On the decline of strong men

Sun, 28 Mar 2010 17:24:00-0700

Everything was wrong. The antiseptic smells, the bedside table, the pull around curtain and the pajamas. I had never seen my grandfather in pajamas. I had never seen him so thin and so helpless. He was always the strong one with big hands, a big smile and a high-pitched laugh. There in the assisted living facility not only was he out of his environment but he wanted to rid himself of life itself. He was being redefined in ways he couldn’t fathom or believe.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Oh how I wanted to inject those words of Dylan Thomas into his veins and restore the strong man I knew in my youth and childhood. [More]

Fighting poverty with fatherfullness

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:26:00-0700

The recent discussion on poverty, marital status and out of wedlock births (see Vincent Carroll’s February 20th Denver Post column – Discuss poverty at own peril) speaks to the flesh and bone of my work to improve the wellbeing of children as it relates to the absence or presence of a father or father figure. I am a part of a growing number of individuals and agencies in Colorado that are calling men to step up and be the kind of dad their children need them to be.

The politics of father absence, like any social issue of significance, is fraught with a plethora of differing assumptions and opinions. [More]

Dads & Daughters - One on One

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 15:57:00-0700

My favorite scene in the Steve Martin version of the film, Father of the Bride, happens in the driveway. Back from her time in Europe, Annie, played by Kimberly Williams-Paisley, has just told mom and dad that she met a man in Rome and that they plan to get married. Her father is hardly excited about this life changing turn of events and it shows.

Cut to my favorite scene: Annie is sitting on the porch in her black evening dress and heels mad at her dad for his total lack of affirmation and interest in the love of her life. With basketball in hand he ventures an apology and affirms he believes in her and her choices. With The Temptations singing My Girl in the background, she kicks off her heels and dons a pair of basketball shoes as dad and daughter go one on one. Why do I love this scene? [More]

Is your home high in saturated media?

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 19:35:00-0700

A study released this week by the Kaiser Family Foundation reports that daily media use among children and teens is up dramatically from five years ago. Most youth stated that they have no rules about how much time they can spend with TV, video games, or computers. Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8- to 18-Year-Olds is the third in a series of large-scale, nationally representative surveys by the Foundation about young people’s media use. It includes data from all three waves of the study (1999, 2004, and 2009), and is among the largest and most comprehensive publicly available sources of information about media use among American youth.

Today, 8-18 year-olds devote an average of 7 hours and 38 minutes to using entertainment media across a typical day (more than 53 hours a week). And because they spend so much of that time ‘media multitasking’ (using more than one medium at a time), they actually manage to pack a total of 10 hours and 45 minutes worth of media content into those 7½ hours.

Among the findings: [More]

Sex talks . . .

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 10:52:00-0700

For the last week or so Terri Libenson, creator of the comic strip, The Pajama Diaries, has been chronicling the adventures of the Kaplan family as mom and dad attempt the birds and bees talk. I’ve been encouraged that engaged both mom and dad in this process. The series reminds us all of the importance of having conversations on sexuality with our children.

Sexual messages are promoted almost everywhere we look. Yet relatively few parents talk openly with their children about sexuality. For this reason sex has become both America’s most popular topic and its best-kept secret. [More]

Are you a ghost dad?

Sat, 09 Jan 2010 20:00:00-0700

A number of years ago news anchor Stephen Clark was featured on an episode of Oprah that focused on fatherhood. In a short video clip the show highlighted a turning point in his relationship with his daughters.

Stephen’s wife was in another room and he was standing in the kitchen with his youngest daughter. She wanted some water but couldn’t reach a glass from the cupboard. The wake up call came when she looked passed her dad and called out, “Mom, can you get me a drink of water?”

At that moment it dawned on him that his children were looking right through him. It was as if he wasn’t there. He remembers thinking, “Am I just invisible to my children?”

In the story Stephen relates that he had made the mistake of looking at his performance as a father through his eyes. He realized he needed to take the next step and “look at his performance through their eyes.” From that day forward he made the commitment to always be there in their vision.

Stephen’s experience came to mind as I read a study published in the December 2009 issue Journal of Family Psychology. [More]

No room in the inn

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 10:27:00-0700

As millions across the world celebrate the birth of a child in a manger because there was no room in the inn, I wonder what sense of place and belonging do I bring to and receive from my own children. Am I providing the warmth, protection and care that they need and desire or do they feel like other people and priorities have pushed them to the back barn? Where do they experience my presence in our home? If asked, where would they place me?

Because I believe fatherhood is a lifelong relational journey between men and children that changes over time and circumstances I know that the answers to these questions are dynamic. But that is no less reason for taking a bearing at this time and place.

I’m reminded of the first chapter of Samuel Osherson’s book, The Passions of Fatherhood. The book was written during a year stay in a country house in New Hampshire. During this time he commuted into the city overnight once a week to maintain his counseling practice and teaching responsibilities. In the opening chapter he describes the process of finding his place in the home, a process that led him to reflect upon his father’s place in the home he grew up in: [More]

Dads & kids like FRED

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:07:00-0700

Every year since 2003 I have helped facilitate a push to encourage dads to read with their kids during the month of November. Fathers Reading Every Day (FRED) is a four-week program originally created at Texas A&M University that encourages fathers, grandfathers and other male role models to read to their children on a daily basis. In any given year our post-survey responses reveal that at least 75% of the dads who participate in the program believe it:

Improved the quality of time spent with their child.
Led to improvements in their child’s vocabulary.
Increased their satisfaction level as a parent.
Improved their relationship with their child.

I love this simple program, but I am not alone with these sentiments. Listen to what some of the dads who have participated in the program over the last several years have said: [More]

Making two lists

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:33:00-0700

Princeton University Press recently published the booklet Scroogenomics: Why You Shouldn’t Buy Presents for the Holidays. In it Joel Waldfogel of the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton business school states that the gifts that people buy for other people are usually poorly matched to the recipients' preferences. Scroogenomics illustrates how our consumer spending generates vast amounts of economic waste – to the shocking tune of eighty-five billion dollars each winter.

My purpose in bringing up Waldfogel’s booklet isn’t about the poor financial economics of gift giving (his point) but to urge you to think about how and what you give to those you love. I admit I don’t like to give lists to people, “If I’m worth giving a gift to I would expect that the giver have some level of insight into what would please me.” On the other hand, who among us enjoys getting a gift that is a total disconnect from who they are or what they like? [More]