Fastbreak for Fathers - Relationships

The most important thing

Sat, 22 May 2010 14:29:00-0700

In an interview that will be published in June I was asked, "What do you feel is the most important thing a father can provide for his child?"

How would you answer? My response might have been different twenty years ago and may well be different twenty years from now (my kids are approaching 23, 21, 19 and 17) but this is how I responded today. [More]

"Be there for them"

Sun, 16 May 2010 10:06:00-0700

I’ve been a follower of Mark Brady’s blog, The Committed Parent: Translating social neuroscience to help parents raise kids we can live with and we’re crazy about, for some time. In a recent post, Wiring the Brain for Wisdom, Brady cites research that identifies compassion, self-understanding, morality and emotional stability as some of the cornerstones of wisdom. He then expounds upon his belief in the importance of social neuroscience and the heart and brain connection in regards to wisdom. He also mentions the cultivation of learned fearlessness, and includes Princeton philosophy professor and social critic, Cornel West as someone who he believes demonstrates “learned fearlessness with deep roots planted early in his heart.” – Brady began his post with a quote by West on President Obama.

What does this have to do with the title of this post, “Be there for them”? [More]

Check out our links for moms!

Sun, 09 May 2010 09:59:00-0700

We may be a fatherhood site but one of our best-kept secrets is our page for moms! Follow this link for almost 20 interactive websites for moms including Mile High Mommas, Moms Like Me, and Amazing Moms.

I also encourage you to check out New York Times Magazine contributing writer, Lisa Belkin’s blog: Motherlode – Adventures in Parenting, the podcasts of the dynamic mother-daughter duo of Marti and Erin Erickson at Good Enough Moms and our own Colorado Parent Online Magazine.

An old Swahili proverb says, Penzi la mama tamu, haliishi hamu (Mother's love is so sweet that you never have enough of it.) May our children know and live in the security and sweetness of a mother’s love.

Doing windows

Sun, 18 Apr 2010 14:52:00-0700

Norman Maclean learned the discipline, grace and rhythm of life fly-fishing with his Scottish Presbyterian father. I learned it doing windows for Mesdames (I understand that’s the plural form of Mrs.) Tracy, Smith and Lake with my Easter and Christmas only Methodist dad of Scandinavian and British descent.

If spring was in the air, so was the commingled aroma of dusty old screens and WindexTM. Mesdames Tracy, Smith and Lake were all widows who attended the Methodist Church in our small Michigan town of 1200 or so. Although he wasn’t much for the Sunday sermon and offering he was one for works of service and I, as his first born and only son, got to come along. [More]

The men they will become*

Sun, 04 Apr 2010 15:37:00-0700

Our sons will become men. The question is what kind and when. Masculinity, what we expect from men, is a cultural concept. Joe Ehrmann, “head coach” of Coach for America believes that our society does a terrible job of teaching boys how to become men. Joe’s assessment is that the standard criteria of athletic ability, sexual conquest and economic success create a false masculinity that sets men up for failure. It produces a compare and compete mentality that leaves most men feeling isolated and alone.

More and more men are recognizing the emptiness of such pursuits but often it takes the unselfish love of another who is willing to peel away the façade and tenaciously pursue a man’s heart to open them up to the possibility of change. As an introduction to the theme of his book, Wrestling with Love: How men struggle with intimacy with women, children, parents, and each other, Samuel Osherson insightfully recalls a scene from The Wizard of Oz. [More]

On the decline of strong men

Sun, 28 Mar 2010 17:24:00-0700

Everything was wrong. The antiseptic smells, the bedside table, the pull around curtain and the pajamas. I had never seen my grandfather in pajamas. I had never seen him so thin and so helpless. He was always the strong one with big hands, a big smile and a high-pitched laugh. There in the assisted living facility not only was he out of his environment but he wanted to rid himself of life itself. He was being redefined in ways he couldn’t fathom or believe.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Oh how I wanted to inject those words of Dylan Thomas into his veins and restore the strong man I knew in my youth and childhood. [More]

Dads & Daughters - One on One

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 15:57:00-0700

My favorite scene in the Steve Martin version of the film, Father of the Bride, happens in the driveway. Back from her time in Europe, Annie, played by Kimberly Williams-Paisley, has just told mom and dad that she met a man in Rome and that they plan to get married. Her father is hardly excited about this life changing turn of events and it shows.

Cut to my favorite scene: Annie is sitting on the porch in her black evening dress and heels mad at her dad for his total lack of affirmation and interest in the love of her life. With basketball in hand he ventures an apology and affirms he believes in her and her choices. With The Temptations singing My Girl in the background, she kicks off her heels and dons a pair of basketball shoes as dad and daughter go one on one. Why do I love this scene? [More]

Sex talks . . .

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 10:52:00-0700

For the last week or so Terri Libenson, creator of the comic strip, The Pajama Diaries, has been chronicling the adventures of the Kaplan family as mom and dad attempt the birds and bees talk. I’ve been encouraged that engaged both mom and dad in this process. The series reminds us all of the importance of having conversations on sexuality with our children.

Sexual messages are promoted almost everywhere we look. Yet relatively few parents talk openly with their children about sexuality. For this reason sex has become both America’s most popular topic and its best-kept secret. [More]

Are you a ghost dad?

Sat, 09 Jan 2010 20:00:00-0700

A number of years ago news anchor Stephen Clark was featured on an episode of Oprah that focused on fatherhood. In a short video clip the show highlighted a turning point in his relationship with his daughters.

Stephen’s wife was in another room and he was standing in the kitchen with his youngest daughter. She wanted some water but couldn’t reach a glass from the cupboard. The wake up call came when she looked passed her dad and called out, “Mom, can you get me a drink of water?”

At that moment it dawned on him that his children were looking right through him. It was as if he wasn’t there. He remembers thinking, “Am I just invisible to my children?”

In the story Stephen relates that he had made the mistake of looking at his performance as a father through his eyes. He realized he needed to take the next step and “look at his performance through their eyes.” From that day forward he made the commitment to always be there in their vision.

Stephen’s experience came to mind as I read a study published in the December 2009 issue Journal of Family Psychology. [More]

No room in the inn

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 10:27:00-0700

As millions across the world celebrate the birth of a child in a manger because there was no room in the inn, I wonder what sense of place and belonging do I bring to and receive from my own children. Am I providing the warmth, protection and care that they need and desire or do they feel like other people and priorities have pushed them to the back barn? Where do they experience my presence in our home? If asked, where would they place me?

Because I believe fatherhood is a lifelong relational journey between men and children that changes over time and circumstances I know that the answers to these questions are dynamic. But that is no less reason for taking a bearing at this time and place.

I’m reminded of the first chapter of Samuel Osherson’s book, The Passions of Fatherhood. The book was written during a year stay in a country house in New Hampshire. During this time he commuted into the city overnight once a week to maintain his counseling practice and teaching responsibilities. In the opening chapter he describes the process of finding his place in the home, a process that led him to reflect upon his father’s place in the home he grew up in: [More]

Dads & kids like FRED

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:07:00-0700

Every year since 2003 I have helped facilitate a push to encourage dads to read with their kids during the month of November. Fathers Reading Every Day (FRED) is a four-week program originally created at Texas A&M University that encourages fathers, grandfathers and other male role models to read to their children on a daily basis. In any given year our post-survey responses reveal that at least 75% of the dads who participate in the program believe it:

Improved the quality of time spent with their child.
Led to improvements in their child’s vocabulary.
Increased their satisfaction level as a parent.
Improved their relationship with their child.

I love this simple program, but I am not alone with these sentiments. Listen to what some of the dads who have participated in the program over the last several years have said: [More]

Making two lists

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:33:00-0700

Princeton University Press recently published the booklet Scroogenomics: Why You Shouldn’t Buy Presents for the Holidays. In it Joel Waldfogel of the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton business school states that the gifts that people buy for other people are usually poorly matched to the recipients' preferences. Scroogenomics illustrates how our consumer spending generates vast amounts of economic waste – to the shocking tune of eighty-five billion dollars each winter.

My purpose in bringing up Waldfogel’s booklet isn’t about the poor financial economics of gift giving (his point) but to urge you to think about how and what you give to those you love. I admit I don’t like to give lists to people, “If I’m worth giving a gift to I would expect that the giver have some level of insight into what would please me.” On the other hand, who among us enjoys getting a gift that is a total disconnect from who they are or what they like? [More]

Remembering the future

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 14:49:00-0700

Thanksgiving is a time of looking back with gratitude. It is a time when collectively we gather in communities of the heart to remind one another that regardless of the circumstances of the past, the present holds something, somewhere to be thankful for.

Memories aren’t only tied to the past however. [More]

"Sole" Companions

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:14:00-0700

It was a Sunday morning and an early winter storm had moved in over night. I had just started the coffee and went to put on my snow boots to get the paper when I realized I had left them at work. Such is the characteristic of Denver snow and sun, enough snow to warrant boots in the morning and sun by midday to have you wishing you had your sandals with you.

Dang! Not wanting to venture out in my slippers, I reached for my old standbys, my Danner hiking boots. Bought in the spring of ’75, they have been my sole companions across thousands of miles; the Sangre de Cristo Mountains of New Mexico, the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee and North Carolina, the wetlands and hills of northern Michigan – I think I probably wore them daily as a student in Marquette, up-county Kenya and Tanzania, they even took me to the top of Kilimanjaro and back. Needless to say they have seen better days, but there are no better companions for my feet. Years of wear have molded them to a perfect union of flesh, socks and leather.

Shoes can tell a lot about a person, and while I am probably identified more by my Bass Weejuns than my Danners, my Danners represent the explorer poet I’ve always longed to be. I can’t put them on without being transported to the past and future.

One of my favorite childhood pictures is a black and white photo of me placing my one-year old feet into my dad’s black steel toe work shoes. I imagine most of the world’s children have at one time in their life tried to put on an adult pair of shoes or sandals. [More]

Dads, kids & baseball . . . from the mundane to the memorable

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:40:00-0700

As I write this the World Series is rounding third base and heading for home. And while other sporting events may challenge the supremacy of baseball, in the words of a character in W.P. Kinsella's 1982 novel, Shoeless Joe, "The one constant throughout all the years has been baseball. America has been erased like a blackboard, only to be rebuilt and then erased again. . . ." Yet baseball "is the same game that Moonlight Graham played in 1905. It is a living part of our history."

Kinsella’s novel was the basis for the Kevin Costner movie Field of Dreams. I don’t have a means of proving this, but I would submit that more American men have cried during the final scene of Field of Dreams than any other movie scene. What is it about Kevin Costner’s character meekly asking “Hey, Dad, you wanna have a catch?” that releases the floodgates? Interestingly this final scene isn’t in the book. The screenwriters and producers added the scene because they thought it would resonate with fathers. Sociologist Ralph LaRossa thinks it has everything to do with a unique connection that has developed between dads, their children and the game of playing catch. [More]