Norman Maclean learned the discipline, grace and rhythm of life fly-fishing with his Scottish Presbyterian father. I learned it doing windows for Mesdames (I understand that’s the plural form of Mrs.) Tracy, Smith and Lake with my Easter and Christmas only Methodist dad of Scandinavian and British descent.

If spring was in the air, so was the commingled aroma of dusty old screens and WindexTM. Mesdames Tracy, Smith and Lake were all widows who attended the Methodist Church in our small Michigan town of 1200 or so. Although he wasn’t much for the Sunday sermon and offering he was one for works of service and I, as his first born and only son, got to come along.

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Everything was wrong. The antiseptic smells, the bedside table, the pull around curtain and the pajamas. I had never seen my grandfather in pajamas. I had never seen him so thin and so helpless. He was always the strong one with big hands, a big smile and a high-pitched laugh. There in the assisted living facility not only was he out of his environment but he wanted to rid himself of life itself. He was being redefined in ways he couldn’t fathom or believe.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Oh how I wanted to inject those words of Dylan Thomas into his veins and restore the strong man I knew in my youth and childhood.

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The recent discussion on poverty, marital status and out of wedlock births (see Vincent Carroll’s February 20th Denver Post column – Discuss poverty at own peril) speaks to the flesh and bone of my work to improve the wellbeing of children as it relates to the absence or presence of a father or father figure. I am a part of a growing number of individuals and agencies in Colorado that are calling men to step up and be the kind of dad their children need them to be.

The politics of father absence, like any social issue of significance, is fraught with a plethora of differing assumptions and opinions.

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In the fall of 1958 I was born into this world as a ten pound baby boy to two recently married teens. Perhaps carrying forward the spirit of their times my parents and I have never really talked about the circumstances regarding their pregnancy, dropping out of school, getting married and starting a young family in rural southwestern Michigan. Times have changed. The majority of pregnant teens in the late 1950s married their partners. That is not the case today. Thousands of boys still become parents but instead of marriage most of these young men become nonresidential fathers who must negotiate child support and child visitation. Contrary to popular belief, these young men are often emotionally and physically involved in relationships with their partner and child. But without support and guidance from adults, these relationships often deteriorate in the first year of the child’s life.

Denver Post columnist, Tina Greigo, recently attended one of our fatherhood programs for young dads and wrote about it in her January 30th column – Learning to be the fathers they didn’t have. She revisited the issue of young dads in today’s column in which she writes,

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In 2009 Coloradodads.com had over 100,000 unique visitors and almost 2 million hits. Thank you to everyone who has logged onto our site this year! The website is just a small yet important portion of what we do.

In October 2006, the Colorado Department of Human Services (CDHS), Colorado Works Division was awarded a $10 million federal grant over five years to strengthen father/child relationships and improve parenting. Since that time we have helped fund 56 programs as they provide thousands of dads with the tools and resources they need to be the kind of men their children need them to be. This year we are funding 27 programs across the state.

It has been especially satisfying to see the development of programs that do not receive funds from us. More and more counties, agencies, and churches have begun to provide services this year that improve the well-being of our children by working with and through their dads. In addition there has been marked improvement of service coordination across divisions and departments of the state and counties.

In the past year we have trained over a 100 different Colorado practitioners in fatherhood practices and curricula.

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Thanksgiving is a time of looking back with gratitude. It is a time when collectively we gather in communities of the heart to remind one another that regardless of the circumstances of the past, the present holds something, somewhere to be thankful for.

Memories aren’t only tied to the past however.

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The Colorado Men Against Domestic Violence Pledge Initiative is growing by leaps and bounds! The last thirty days has resulted in over 400 additional pledges. Most of the new pledges are hand written pledge cards from City and County of Denver employees. Several others and myself have been entering these by hand on our online pledge page. With each name and pledge I enter I am tossed between excitement and despair.

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Search Institute recently updated their website for parents MVParents.com. For 50 years Search Institute has provided research and resources to promote positive change on behalf of youth. They are best known for the 40 Developmental Assets. The Developmental Assets are 40 common sense, positive experiences and qualities that help influence choices young people make and help them become caring, responsible adults. The Developmental Assets represent the relationships, opportunities, and personal qualities that young people need to avoid risks and to thrive.

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Our Watercooler Blog is place for individuals from the community to post their thoughts on fatherhood or fatherhood services. I recently had coffee with Scott Forlenza about what it is like to father a child with special needs. Whether you have a special needs child or not I am confident you will find his post meaningful.

We are currently in the planning stages for some pages on this site for dads of special needs children. Send me an e-mail or post a comment below if you have some ideas along those lines.
Rich

Twenty plus years ago I finished graduate school in May, my daughter was born in June and my first job out of grad school came in September . . . of the following year. I became an at-home dad right from the start. And from that moment my heart and direction was set. I knew then I was always going to be about helping men be the kind of dads their children need them to be.

Erma Bombeck captured my commitment in her classic Father’s Day column penned in 1992:

     One morning my father didn’t get up and go to work. He went to the hospital and died the next day.
     I hadn’t thought that much about him before. He was just someone who left and came home and seemed glad to see everyone at night.