Offering fathers assistance with their quest to be better fathers, or to just have a chance to be a father is a fairly new proposition.  One person’s view is to question why a father would even be in a position to be estranged from their children, while another’s view is to consider the situation as simply reality of where they are, regardless of the reason.

I believe the latter view is about second chances, about a father maturing and realizing what is important to them; their children.  Here is the reality – a child is born to a couple that often may have good intentions but are not financially stable and/or stable in other aspects of their lives, rendering them suspect in their capability to jointly raise a baby.  Their relationship is shaky, their understanding of child rearing in negligible.

Fortunately for the mom programs have long existed to assist them financially and programmatically to become more economically stable.  Programs such as the Nurse Family Partnership, Temporary Aid to Children with Families, Medicaid, Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) programs and Food Assistance are rightfully in place to help low income participations.  Some fathers have become eligible for these programs, as awareness of their needs has been on the increase, but, not being the custodial in most cases, the fathers are often left out, even though they mirror the custodian party (usually the mom) in education, work skills and income levels.   

The “Be There for Your Kids” campaign has brought forth a message of the importance of fathers in the lives of their children, with research showing father absence as a huge negative to child development.  The programs enrolled in the promoting responsible fatherhood grant (which also supports this website) has taken over 5,000 fathers into their programming to help fathers navigate through child support and visitation issues, learn about parenting and co-parenting, and assist with building job skills and employment.  The results have shown signicant increases in child support payments and private health insurance coverage for their children and increased parenting awareness of children’s needs, and the increased awareness of the importance of parenting collaboratively with the mom or other guardian of their children.  Also post analysis shows fathers completing the programs have more self worth and sense of purpose.

All this said, the grant mentioned above is ending in September.  The truly committed programs are all engaged in their communities to the point that some continuing funding is being offered in most cases, with a continual look for more funding to help fathers. 

Engaged fathers save tax payer money overall by supporting their families and becoming better fathers.  And, a surprise twist has found them also becoming mentors for other fathers and better citizens, as they desire to become positive role models for their kids.

We all are confronted with the question "what is my purpose?"   Finding a place in the reality we are confronted with is often perplexing.  This was the case for me, until our children entered the world.  It became clear to me my purpose was to become the best father possible.  To provide for them, to teach them, as I was taught, and to protect them and then; to wonder at their beauty and growth into adulthood.

With the new year upon us, it is a good time to reflect on how our parenting in 2010 fared?  What worked, what can we improve upon?  For me it was bittersweet.  Bitter that my 20 year old son, who was (is) so amazing, so beautiful, died suddenly from bacterial meningitus - the worst disease  imaginable.  Sweet in that his memory lives on, his spirit still engulfs me - sustains me through the grief.  Sweet also is that I still have my daughter, who is now 23 and becoming a wonderful young adult; so independent and grounded.

This year I plan to honor my son through how I live my life and by sharing his wonderful memory with anyone willing to listen.  I plan to be there for my daughter as she confronts her own searching for her life's purpose.

What is your story?  Were are you with your child, or children?  To me, having a family is the only game in town worth playing.  If you are with me, if your children too are central to your purpose here on this Earth, then I think the new year will also find you asking yourself "how can I meet this purpose in a better and more constructive way.  I would love to read any comments on your reflections in the comment section, it is important to me to confirm this hearfelt belief of purpose = parenting.

Best to you in 2011.

Margaret J. Meeker, M.D., author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know, starts her first chapter as a call for good men. She asks men give “all their strength and wit” because they are the ones above all others that set the course for their daughters.

What do I know about being a father? In the 11 years I have been working directly with dads, I’ve heard the question from fathers, some mothers and other experts in the fatherhood field. Every time I have been asked, my response is I am a daughter. And as the daughter of a not perfect, yet still amazing father, I know the important things my father gave me. First and foremost, he gave me his time, his attention and his unconditional love. When I wanted to play softball, he signed up to be an assistant coach.  When I wanted to play basketball - his game - he taught me the fundamentals and then coached our team to three undefeated seasons. When it was discovered that I have a learning disability, he made sure I knew that no matter what anyone said, I was not stupid and I would do great things. When a friend became pregnant in high school, the discussion we had was pretty simple. Dad said, “I would be very disappointed if you became pregnant now. Of course I would still love you. Later I will dance, but now I would be very disappointed.”

As a family, we moved every three-five years as my father worked for the government.  When decided I didn’t like moving away from my friends and my school, my Dad promised that when I started high school, we would not move until I graduated. But when the government decided he needed to move three different places in three years and I was still in high school, he made it work for me. He went so far as to sign over guardianship to another not perfect, yet amazing man. He was a man of his word. When it comes down to it, my father gave me confidence, courage, strength, wisdom and above all, unconditional love.

So the call I give to all fathers, grandfathers, uncles, and good men is to be a not perfect, yet amazing father or role model.  If you don’t know what that means, then ask, find a class, talk to other men and don’t forget to talk to the daughters in your lives – your mother, your sisters, your aunts, your co-workers - women you consider strong, successful and wise. They will tell you what they know about fathers as they were more than likely than not raised by some not perfect, yet amazing men.

We are accepting nominations for the 2010 Be There for Your Kids Awards. This year’s winners will be honored during the pre-game ceremony of the June 18th Rockies game. Nominations are due May 15.

Last year’s winners included:
Jerome Perkins (pictured on the far right) – Fatherhood Practitioner of the Year - Jerome is the administrator of Christlife Ministries in Pueblo. Christlife Ministries focuses mentoring fathers in prison to connect with their children on the inside while also preparing them for a lasting relationship with their family when they are released.

Joel Webster (Pictured on the right with Governor Bill Ritter) – Father of the Year – Joel and his wife Bridget are parents to 13-year-old Michael and 9-year-old Haley. Joel rose from the ashes so to speak . . . after spending part of his childhood in foster care and being homeless for a short period of time, Joel demonstrated a tremendous commitment to getting his life in order and eventually married and became the kind of dad his step son and biological daughter need him to be. Joel broke a negative cycle and has replaced it with powerful presence of courage, nurturance, and hope.

You probably know someone deserving of a Be There Award. Nominees must be a resident of Colorado and fall into one of the following eight categories:

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Norman Maclean learned the discipline, grace and rhythm of life fly-fishing with his Scottish Presbyterian father. I learned it doing windows for Mesdames (I understand that’s the plural form of Mrs.) Tracy, Smith and Lake with my Easter and Christmas only Methodist dad of Scandinavian and British descent.

If spring was in the air, so was the commingled aroma of dusty old screens and WindexTM. Mesdames Tracy, Smith and Lake were all widows who attended the Methodist Church in our small Michigan town of 1200 or so. Although he wasn’t much for the Sunday sermon and offering he was one for works of service and I, as his first born and only son, got to come along.

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The President’s Advisory council on Faith-based and Neighborhood Partnerships met March 9th to present the recommendations of six taskforces representing:

• Economic Recovery and Domestic Poverty;
• Environment and Climate Change;
• Fatherhood and Healthy Families;
• Global Poverty and Development;
• Inter-religious Cooperation; and
• Reform of the Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships.

Follow this link for a PDF of the full report.

In regards to Fatherhood and Healthy Families the Council was charged to “develop recommendations for partnership and program opportunities that will strengthen the Administration’s commitment to promote fatherhood and the role of fathers in supporting healthy families.” The single overarching conviction that shaped the Taskforce’s deliberations was that: Responsible, engaged fathers are critical to the financial, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual well-being of children, and therefore to the strength and health of American families and communities.

The Taskforce presented the following 9 recommendations (begins on page 26 of the full report):

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Dads on Dads, a study published in 2002 on the changing patterns of family life in modern Britain by the Equal Opportunities Commission identified four types of dads based on men’s time involvement with their children, the activities they engaged in with them, and the role they adopted in these interactions.

What type of dad are you? or What type of parents are you? 

• Enforcer Dad
• Entertainer Dad
• Useful Dad
• Fully Involved Dad

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The recent discussion on poverty, marital status and out of wedlock births (see Vincent Carroll’s February 20th Denver Post column – Discuss poverty at own peril) speaks to the flesh and bone of my work to improve the wellbeing of children as it relates to the absence or presence of a father or father figure. I am a part of a growing number of individuals and agencies in Colorado that are calling men to step up and be the kind of dad their children need them to be.

The politics of father absence, like any social issue of significance, is fraught with a plethora of differing assumptions and opinions.

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In 2009 Coloradodads.com had over 100,000 unique visitors and almost 2 million hits. Thank you to everyone who has logged onto our site this year! The website is just a small yet important portion of what we do.

In October 2006, the Colorado Department of Human Services (CDHS), Colorado Works Division was awarded a $10 million federal grant over five years to strengthen father/child relationships and improve parenting. Since that time we have helped fund 56 programs as they provide thousands of dads with the tools and resources they need to be the kind of men their children need them to be. This year we are funding 27 programs across the state.

It has been especially satisfying to see the development of programs that do not receive funds from us. More and more counties, agencies, and churches have begun to provide services this year that improve the well-being of our children by working with and through their dads. In addition there has been marked improvement of service coordination across divisions and departments of the state and counties.

In the past year we have trained over a 100 different Colorado practitioners in fatherhood practices and curricula.

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Thanksgiving is a time of looking back with gratitude. It is a time when collectively we gather in communities of the heart to remind one another that regardless of the circumstances of the past, the present holds something, somewhere to be thankful for.

Memories aren’t only tied to the past however.

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