Dads on Dads, a study published in 2002 on the changing patterns of family life in modern Britain by the Equal Opportunities Commission identified four types of dads based on men’s time involvement with their children, the activities they engaged in with them, and the role they adopted in these interactions.
What type of dad are you? or What type of parents are you?
The recent discussion on poverty, marital status and out of wedlock births (see Vincent Carroll’s February 20th Denver Post column – Discuss poverty at own peril) speaks to the flesh and bone of my work to improve the wellbeing of children as it relates to the absence or presence of a father or father figure. I am a part of a growing number of individuals and agencies in Colorado that are calling men to step up and be the kind of dad their children need them to be.
The politics of father absence, like any social issue of significance, is fraught with a plethora of differing assumptions and opinions.
My favorite scene in the Steve Martin version of the film, Father of the Bride, happens in the driveway. Back from her time in Europe, Annie, played by Kimberly Williams-Paisley, has just told mom and dad that she met a man in Rome and that they plan to get married. Her father is hardly excited about this life changing turn of events and it shows.
Cut to my favorite scene: Annie is sitting on the porch in her black evening dress and heels mad at her dad for his total lack of affirmation and interest in the love of her life. With basketball in hand he ventures an apology and affirms he believes in her and her choices. With The Temptations singing My Girl in the background, she kicks off her heels and dons a pair of basketball shoes as dad and daughter go one on one. Why do I love this scene?
In the fall of 1958 I was born into this world as a ten pound baby boy to two recently married teens. Perhaps carrying forward the spirit of their times my parents and I have never really talked about the circumstances regarding their pregnancy, dropping out of school, getting married and starting a young family in rural southwestern Michigan. Times have changed. The majority of pregnant teens in the late 1950s married their partners. That is not the case today. Thousands of boys still become parents but instead of marriage most of these young men become nonresidential fathers who must negotiate child support and child visitation. Contrary to popular belief, these young men are often emotionally and physically involved in relationships with their partner and child. But without support and guidance from adults, these relationships often deteriorate in the first year of the child’s life.
Denver Post columnist, Tina Greigo, recently attended one of our fatherhood programs for young dads and wrote about it in her January 30th column – Learning to be the fathers they didn’t have. She revisited the issue of young dads in today’s column in which she writes,
A study released this week by the Kaiser Family Foundation reports that daily media use among children and teens is up dramatically from five years ago. Most youth stated that they have no rules about how much time they can spend with TV, video games, or computers. Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8- to 18-Year-Olds is the third in a series of large-scale, nationally representative surveys by the Foundation about young people’s media use. It includes data from all three waves of the study (1999, 2004, and 2009), and is among the largest and most comprehensive publicly available sources of information about media use among American youth.
Today, 8-18 year-olds devote an average of 7 hours and 38 minutes to using entertainment media across a typical day (more than 53 hours a week). And because they spend so much of that time ‘media multitasking’ (using more than one medium at a time), they actually manage to pack a total of 10 hours and 45 minutes worth of media content into those 7½ hours.
Among the findings:
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For the last week or so Terri Libenson, creator of the comic strip, The Pajama Diaries, has been chronicling the adventures of the Kaplan family as mom and dad attempt the birds and bees talk. I’ve been encouraged that engaged both mom and dad in this process. The series reminds us all of the importance of having conversations on sexuality with our children.
Sexual messages are promoted almost everywhere we look. Yet relatively few parents talk openly with their children about sexuality. For this reason sex has become both America’s most popular topic and its best-kept secret.
A number of years ago news anchor Stephen Clark was featured on an episode of Oprah that focused on fatherhood. In a short video clip the show highlighted a turning point in his relationship with his daughters.
Stephen’s wife was in another room and he was standing in the kitchen with his youngest daughter. She wanted some water but couldn’t reach a glass from the cupboard. The wake up call came when she looked passed her dad and called out, “Mom, can you get me a drink of water?”
At that moment it dawned on him that his children were looking right through him. It was as if he wasn’t there. He remembers thinking, “Am I just invisible to my children?”
In the story Stephen relates that he had made the mistake of looking at his performance as a father through his eyes. He realized he needed to take the next step and “look at his performance through their eyes.” From that day forward he made the commitment to always be there in their vision.
Stephen’s experience came to mind as I read a study published in the December 2009 issue Journal of Family Psychology.
In 2009 Coloradodads.com had over 100,000 unique visitors and almost 2 million hits. Thank you to everyone who has logged onto our site this year! The website is just a small yet important portion of what we do.
In October 2006, the Colorado Department of Human Services (CDHS), Colorado Works Division was awarded a $10 million federal grant over five years to strengthen father/child relationships and improve parenting. Since that time we have helped fund 56 programs as they provide thousands of dads with the tools and resources they need to be the kind of men their children need them to be. This year we are funding 27 programs across the state.
It has been especially satisfying to see the development of programs that do not receive funds from us. More and more counties, agencies, and churches have begun to provide services this year that improve the well-being of our children by working with and through their dads. In addition there has been marked improvement of service coordination across divisions and departments of the state and counties.
In the past year we have trained over a 100 different Colorado practitioners in fatherhood practices and curricula.
As millions across the world celebrate the birth of a child in a manger because there was no room in the inn, I wonder what sense of place and belonging do I bring to and receive from my own children. Am I providing the warmth, protection and care that they need and desire or do they feel like other people and priorities have pushed them to the back barn? Where do they experience my presence in our home? If asked, where would they place me?
Because I believe fatherhood is a lifelong relational journey between men and children that changes over time and circumstances I know that the answers to these questions are dynamic. But that is no less reason for taking a bearing at this time and place.
I’m reminded of the first chapter of Samuel Osherson’s book, The Passions of Fatherhood. The book was written during a year stay in a country house in New Hampshire. During this time he commuted into the city overnight once a week to maintain his counseling practice and teaching responsibilities. In the opening chapter he describes the process of finding his place in the home, a process that led him to reflect upon his father’s place in the home he grew up in:
Every year since 2003 I have helped facilitate a push to encourage dads to read with their kids during the month of November. Fathers Reading Every Day (FRED) is a four-week program originally created at Texas A&M University that encourages fathers, grandfathers and other male role models to read to their children on a daily basis. In any given year our post-survey responses reveal that at least 75% of the dads who participate in the program believe it:
I love this simple program, but I am not alone with these sentiments. Listen to what some of the dads who have participated in the program over the last several years have said:
