When a child is born each parent is confronted with both amazement and worry.  Amazement at the new life that they had a huge hand in creating and worry about the responsibility that it thrusts upon them.

Life is precious, being responsible to nurture and protect life gives one's life purpose.  To parents the birth of the child is also a birth of a new vocation; parenthood.  In over 30 years of working with families I have never met one person that didn't want to do well for their children, but I have met many that somehow got crooked with this desire and somehow became alienated to the very core of their purpose.

The Promoting Responsible Fatherhood grant has ended, with over 6,000 fathers being served by a group of dedicated men and women across the state.  The common trait of each of these individuals was the desire to either improve or get back what they had somehow got crooked with - many were triumphant, while some are still struggling.

Another element to this story is that the children are always affected.  In not one case where the father is not present does a child not long for a relationship with them, not one.  It is a connective need for parent and child that lasts a lifetime.

If you are a parent or a child reading this, that has found this connection hard to obtain, don't give up, look toward the finding help from the programs this grant mentioned here helped to create or grow.  Always seek a new beginning - for the sake of meeting the most amazing vocation of all - that of being a parent and that of being a child of a parent who loves you.

My son was born on September 13th, just four minutes before being September 14th - he was so beautiful then and always. 

In the 20 birthdays we celebrated with him, his last was the most memorable.  Previous birthdays included the usual attempts to please, Case Bonita, laser tag, rock climbing, horse back riding etc.  But the last one was a simple meal, kind conversation and all celebrated with a simple joy of being in the presence someone special.

What a child needs for their birthday is a show of caring and love from their parents.  True, gifts and creating parties is a sign of this - but what is truly wanted is the warm smile, gentle hug and exciting proclamation of "happy birthday!"

I will no longer be able to celebrate my son's birthday with him here on this earth, but still will celebrate him with a show of caring and love, a warm smile and a now very long spiritual hug.  This year he would have been 22 - a vibrant age.

When it is your child's birthday, please don't take their being here for granted, and most of of all, celebrate with a swell of the heart for the gift you were given.

America’s sons and daughters traditionally fight our Nation’s wars.  Recently, however, an unprecedented number of those sons and daughters are also moms and dads.  In the recent Iraq war, Scripps Howard News reported over 1,600 children lost at least one parent, with half of those children being under ten years of age.  The fact is our military has had an increasing reliance on reserve troops in combat roles, U.S. soldiers of late tend to be older and have more children.

 According to a New York Times article on the subject the violence of a father’s death, and its public nature, can be especially troublesome for children. "It's a traumatic grief that is highly publicized," said Linda Goldman, a grief specialist. "Dad was murdered in a public way. This heightens the sense of trauma because it never goes away."

The children's mothers say the deaths have had expected repercussions, like plummeting grades and mood swings. But they have also seen unexpected reactions. Madison Swisher, 8, who sleeps in her father's T-shirt, is afraid of loud noises; her dad died in Iraq from an improvised bomb. She and her younger brother talk a lot about bombs in general. They call the Iraqis the "bad guys" and are afraid the bad guys will arrive any minute.

Several mothers said they worried that their children's hero worship, a healthy balm in the beginning, could turn problematic if they tried to follow in their fathers' footsteps.

Teenagers, in particular, have trouble adjusting. Scott Rentschler, 14, was living on a military base in Germany when his father, Staff Sgt. George Rentschler, was killed in Iraq in 2004 by a rocket-propelled grenade. His life, Scott said, "is a roller coaster." Scott's grandmother, Lillian Rentschler, said that moving off a military base was difficult for him, and that society and schools make few allowances for children in their second year of grief.  "People think he should be all fixed up," Ms. Rentschler said.

Parents and mentors say they try to help the children stay connected to their fathers and grieve in intimate ways, far from the public eye. They post photographs all over the house, make teddy bears out of their dads' shirts and encourage them to write letters.

Eddie Murphy, 10, whose father, Maj. Edward Murphy, 36, died in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan in April 2005, did just that one day at grief camp. "Summer is coming up," he wrote to his father. "It won't be the same without you. You won't believe it but I'm in Washington."  He signed off: "I love you. Hi  to Heaven."  Abraham Lincoln once said, "War at the best is terrible."  For the children of those lost to war this cannot be truer.  Gradually a child begins to grasp death as an inevitable part of life and begin to retain the best and happiest memories they had with their lost parent.  The letters sent home, the pictures and the everlasting bond of a child to a parent never leaves.

Giving a child a memorable holiday season is best accomplished by understanding his or her's wonderment of the season.

I recall my parents driving around the town to look at the lighted houses and then driving to our small town's electric company to view a beautiful electric train track their employees set up inside of their window.  We would go from there to our home and have a cup of hot chocolate and talk about what we had just seen.  As I look back, this is what I remember most, not the gifts that I got, although I do remember the socks and underwear I received from my Aunt Martha - since it was so predicable, like clockwork every Christmas eve.

With my own children, we would go to the lighting ceremony at the Denver City and County building each year and, as a father, I could see the wonderment in their beautiful eyes.  Putting up the Christmas tree and decorating it also a pure joy to them.  I loved those times, I wish I could still have them, but they pass by in a blink of an eye, so, please enjoy the moments while you can.

Through a child's eye this is a wonderful time of the year, magical and full of hope.  But beware; this time can be spoiled by bickering with their mother, or displaying poor behavior such as drunkeness or anger.  It is a time to honor their opportunity to enjoy and wonder, a time to put away any possible negative agenda on their parents part and to live through their eyes for awhile.  In doing this, you just may find that child in you again, and you just may find the hope and joy in your own life that you didn't know you still have.

Happy Holidays! 

According to Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., in her book The Language of Emotional Intelligence; traumatic experiences in childhood can have a severe and long-lasting effect. Children who have been traumatized see the world as a frightening and dangerous place. When childhood trauma is not resolved, this fundamental sense of fear and helplessness carries over into adulthood, setting the stage for further trauma.

Childhood trauma results from anything that disrupts a child’s sense of safety and security, including:

It is important, then, to realize how important it is to create a safe home for your child.  A father recently confided, to a group I was in attendance with, that he yelled at his kids to the point of them being afraid of him.  He hadn't even realized the trauma he was causing until taking in the words of Darrel Clark from the Lutheren Redeemer Fatherhood program about how to communicate to your children.  He now has made the environment of his home a much safer place and has seen his children begin to open up to him in a whole new way.

As a parent please consider the list above and determine if there is anything on it affecting your child and you if can have a voice in changing  - if so change it for your child's sake.

Respect, when used as a verb means to “hold in esteem or honor” or to show regard or consideration for” or “to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with:

Respect is something that is earned.  Children at a young age are likely to respect their father, as he teaches, nurtures and protects them.  In time, however, the respect can be compromised due to a father’s inability to gain and keep that respect.

Respect, if not earned, cannot be demanded.  As a parent this must be understood.  As a child grows, he or she begins to form opinions and conclusions that positively or negatively affect them and their relationship with their dad.

Respect is earned from a child through:

1. Discipline:

Children want discipline in their life.  Correct discipline is a necessary part of the growth process and is a necessary responsibility for a parent. The less we spend disciplining and counseling our children the less they will feel loved by us.

2. Be a Good Example:

Children and teenagers sometimes do dangerous and foolish things, and that is because they do not understand or THINK about the consequences. Young minds do not have the wisdom to discern properly about the real dangers of drugs, sex, etc. Just hanging out with the wrong crowd of kids can lead our children down a destructive path.

The proper correction a child receives must be consciously taught starting when they are very young, and this means we need to take our role as dads seriously. We are to be the good example for our child to follow. By a fathers example a child learns right from wrong and how to act in certain situations.  A dad plays a vital role a child's destiny.  It is by example the child learns to react within their world.

3. Teaching:

Take time to teach them what you know.  Be it by cooking, repairing a car or building a piece of furniture, or teaching what is right vs. wrong - there are constantly teaching moments.  Also realize that how you treat your child’s mom is a teaching moment in the areas of honoring, working with others, showing restraint, negotiating, and the list goes on and on.  And, so it is clear, a dad will be challenged by their child to teach or share whatever religion or beliefs about the purpose of existence or the order of the world they hold.  Some fathers will cherish this and are firm and confident in their belief, others better come to grips with it, because these inevitable questions will come. 

4. Show Love:

Take the time to show love rather than buy love. More often than not, a busy schedule can keep a parent from spending quality time with a child.  Don’t let it.  Schedule a convenient time, at least once a week, to spend the whole day with your child. You may not know this but a child enjoys hanging out with dad once in a while, especially when we treat them with respect and love. Do this by showing interest in their interests even if it seems wild or frivolous to us. Always try and be more understanding of their needs.

The earning of respect is not easy, but it is essential to good fathering.  If not earned embittering your child is a likely consequence; they will become discouraged about life as a result.  Instead practice the four points above and be there for your child.  You will find the consequence for you is that your child will be forever in your life.

Hello,

You may have followed the blog entries written here by Rich Batten.  I am sorry to report, for those that followed his thoughts and ideas, that Rich has taken a job of national scope with Public Strategies.   He is now the project manager for the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center.

Beginning today, I will attempt to give this blog some life again.  My name is Dan Welch and my journey to this point in time as been one made purely without planning.  I graduated from college with degrees in history and philosophy, with some notion that a degree in my back pocket may someday help me.  I suppose that came true when I applied to work for a job with the Colorado Department of of Labor and Employment and ended up working for them for 10 years, largely in the capacity of working with job seekers and employers to seek and/or feel job vacancies.

Then, 20 years ago, I applied for a position for the state Child Support Enforcement (CSE) program.  Not really even knowing what was all involved.  What I found was fascinating.  To shorten this introduction, let me just say I became the state CSE grant manager and that included demonstration grants to improve child support outcomes, which led to the realization that not all dads are "dead beats" but rather "dead broke".  So, programs were born from the grants that allowed for collaborations with the Department of Corrections, improving access and visitation processes for dads, to arrears forgiveness programs and even creating father programs with the main intent of creating a voice for fathers and educating fathers about the complexity of CSE.

Most recently I worked two years administering the CSE program for southern Wyoming, and finding the work of changing attitudes towards fathers was again a major challenge for me. 

Luckily, for me, I was able to come back to our beautiful state and work again for the state and in a role I firmly believe in through my years with CSE.

I hope to share more of this journey moving forward, and of my thoughts and those of others that I have seen formulated over the years.

Thank you,

Dan

Happy Father’s Day and Congratulation to our 2010 Be There for Your Kids 2010 Award winners! (Pictured left to right at the pregame of the June 18th Rockies game - Ken Sanders, Linda Kempe - Fatherhood Support Services, Kevin Crumley, Kendie & Kendall Davis) 

Kevin Crumley – Father of the Year (follow this link for Bill Johnson’s column in The Denver Post on Kevin 

Fatherhood Support Services – Program of the Year (follow this link for FSI’s website) 

Kendall Davis – Outstanding Father Reengagement Award 

Ken Sanders – Fatherhood Practitioner of the Year (Click here to read a profile on The Center on Fathering in the September 2009 issue of The Face of Fatherhood in Colorado. Ken is the Center’s Director)

Terry Spindler – Colorado Fatherhood Council Member of the Year 

I was also awarded Outstanding Leader of the Year, in part because as of the beginning of this month I have transitioned to a new role. After helping to establish the Colorado Fatherhood Initiative I have accepted a position with the Denver office of Public Strategies Inc. as the project manager for the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center which includes the website twoofus.org. 

It has been a joy to work with men and women across state working to improve child wellbeing through father involvement. I’m convinced that Colorado is well positioned to continue their great work for dads and I will continue to do all that I can to support that endeavor.

In an interview that will be published in June I was asked, "What do you feel is the most important thing a father can provide for his child?"

How would you answer? My response might have been different twenty years ago and may well be different twenty years from now (my kids are approaching 23, 21, 19 and 17) but this is how I responded today.

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I’ve been a follower of Mark Brady’s blog, The Committed Parent: Translating social neuroscience to help parents raise kids we can live with and we’re crazy about, for some time. In a recent post, Wiring the Brain for Wisdom, Brady cites research that identifies compassion, self-understanding, morality and emotional stability as some of the cornerstones of wisdom. He then expounds upon his belief in the importance of social neuroscience and the heart and brain connection in regards to wisdom. He also mentions the cultivation of learned fearlessness, and includes Princeton philosophy professor and social critic, Cornel West as someone who he believes demonstrates “learned fearlessness with deep roots planted early in his heart.” – Brady began his post with a quote by West on President Obama.

What does this have to do with the title of this post, “Be there for them”?

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