Our sons will become men. The question is what kind and when. Masculinity, what we expect from men, is a cultural concept. Joe Ehrmann, “head coach” of Coach for America believes that our society does a terrible job of teaching boys how to become men. Joe’s assessment is that the standard criteria of athletic ability, sexual conquest and economic success create a false masculinity that sets men up for failure. It produces a compare and compete mentality that leaves most men feeling isolated and alone.

More and more men are recognizing the emptiness of such pursuits but often it takes the unselfish love of another who is willing to peel away the façade and tenaciously pursue a man’s heart to open them up to the possibility of change. As an introduction to the theme of his book, Wrestling with Love: How men struggle with intimacy with women, children, parents, and each other, Samuel Osherson insightfully recalls a scene from The Wizard of Oz.

At the end of the tale, the unseen wizard has made a number of promises to Dorothy that he hasn’t kept. All Dorothy knew of the wizard was his booming voice and the impressive spectacles that accompanied all his pronouncements. But then Dorothy becomes aware that the real wizard is hiding behind a curtain and operating the special effects. When she pulls aside the curtain, what does she find? Not a magnificent wizard but a small, balding man.

Infuriated that the wizard hasn’t lived up to his promise, Dorothy scolds him: “You’re a bad man!”

Dorothy’s words echo the refrain of so many sons and daughters whose hearts have been broken by their fathers’ inability to keep promises.

The wizard, though, unlike many fathers, stands his ground:
“No,” he explains. “I’m a good man, just a bad wizard.”

To understand men, we have to forgive them for being bad wizards and allow them to be good men.

Ehrmann believes this begins by modeling and teaching our sons what he calls strategic masculinity.

“Masculinity, first and foremost, ought to be defined in terms of relationships,” Ehrmann says. “It ought to be taught in terms of the capacity to love and to be loved. It comes down to this: What kind of father are you? What kind of husband are you? What kind of coach or teammate are you? What kind of son are you? What kind of friend are you? Success comes in terms of relationships.

And then all of us ought to have some kind of cause, some kind of purpose in our lives that’s bigger than our own individual hopes, dreams, wants and desires. At the end of our life, we ought to be able to look back over it from our deathbed and know that somehow the world is a better place because we lived, we loved, we were other-centered, other-focused.”

Joe isn’t alone in his work. Tom Matlack, and James Houghton are on a mission to build and sustain a national discussion about being a good father, son, husband, partner, and worker in America today through The Good Men Project.

“The Good Men Project is men telling their stories in their language. It’s men sharing and searching for their good. And it’s an unfolding and limitless conversation about what good means, what the good man can be.”

Eli, Joe, Sam, Tom, and James are just a few of growing movement of men and women (see Men’s Resources International for another example) who are concerned about the men our sons become. It’s time we pull aside the curtain of the “magnificent wizards” we’re creating and give voice to what it means to be a good man.

*Title taken from Eli Newberger’s book – The Men They Will Become: The Nature and Nurture of Male Character.