A number of years ago news anchor Stephen Clark was featured on an episode of Oprah that focused on fatherhood. In a short video clip the show highlighted a turning point in his relationship with his daughters.

Stephen’s wife was in another room and he was standing in the kitchen with his youngest daughter. She wanted some water but couldn’t reach a glass from the cupboard. The wake up call came when she looked passed her dad and called out, “Mom, can you get me a drink of water?”

At that moment it dawned on him that his children were looking right through him. It was as if he wasn’t there. He remembers thinking, “Am I just invisible to my children?”

In the story Stephen relates that he had made the mistake of looking at his performance as a father through his eyes. He realized he needed to take the next step and “look at his performance through their eyes.” From that day forward he made the commitment to always be there in their vision.

Stephen’s experience came to mind as I read a study published in the December 2009 issue Journal of Family Psychology.

The study highlights the importance of daily reunions as an opportunity for parents to build close ties with their children. The researchers utilized video-recordings to observe the behavior of family members toward a parent returning home from work and the physical proximity of family members throughout the evening. Three main findings emerged. Women, who tended to return home before men, were greeted with positive behavior and reports of the day’s information from family members. Men, in contrast, returned home later in the day and received positive behavior or no acknowledgment from family members distracted by other activities. So the moms in the study typically received lots of warm, affectionate greetings and news of the day from children when reuniting with them after work, fathers were more often ignored or greeted with distraction, by children focused on video games, TV or other pursuits. The researchers are quick to point out that the study was too small to determine whether dads’ later arrival time was a factor in the lack of closeness, or to understand the attitudes or motivations of the kids. But this raises the question, what can be done to help the parent who “shows up second” have more meaningful reconnections with their kids?

Lucy Bloom, Director of the National Center for Fathering’s Father-Daughter Summits, urges families to work as a team to elevate the importance of the other parent in their child's life. “If you are the first at home, say ‘Wait til Dad (or the other parent) sees this!’ Make sure you come in, whether first or second, communicating zeal for your children. Make sure you eat together, and share all the news at the dinner table.” For families with teens this often means rearranging the normal mealtime. Bloom relates that many families with teens have to eat at 9 PM or even later, but that she has never met a family who regretted it.

Dad, do you feel like a ghost at times in your own home? Are you looking at your fathering through your eyes or the eyes of your child? What rituals of connection do you have that help to nurture meaningful moments with your kids?