For the last week or so Terri Libenson, creator of the comic strip, The Pajama Diaries, has been chronicling the adventures of the Kaplan family as mom and dad attempt the birds and bees talk. I’ve been encouraged that engaged both mom and dad in this process. The series reminds us all of the importance of having conversations on sexuality with our children.

Sexual messages are promoted almost everywhere we look. Yet relatively few parents talk openly with their children about sexuality. For this reason sex has become both America’s most popular topic and its best-kept secret.

Many parents avoid talking openly about sex and health with their children because they’re embarrassed or don’t know how to start the conversation. But not having these important discussions leaves children vulnerable to the unrealistic sexual messages they get from advertising, music, video and perhaps yourself. You are the primary sexuality educator of your children whether you are intentional about it or not. Your children get verbal and non-verbal messages about sexuality from you every day The tone of your voice as you respond to their questions, the look on your face as you comment to another adult, even your reaction to something on television gives your child messages about sexuality. Your children’s most important source of information about sexuality is you — their parent. Contrary to popular opinion many teens want guidance about sexuality from their parents. What they shy away from is “the talk.” They don’t want a lecture, and they often are as embarrassed as you are about the conversations, but conversations are needed just the same.

A study involving 141 families enrolled in the Talking Parents, Healthy Teens program, organized by the University of California Los Angeles/Rand Center for Adolescent Health Promotion discovered a significant mismatch between what the parents believe they have talked about and what their kids remember they have talked about. A survey of parents and kids ages 10-15 conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation and Children Now, as part of a national initiative called Talking With Kids About Tough Issues, discovered that many families are still waiting too long and not talking enough when it comes to what their kids say they need to know. Children of parents who did take the initiative were more likely than those whose parents had not talked with them to report going first to a parent if they were dealing with pressure to have sex.

There are a number of great resources available to help you talk with your kids about sexuality. I encourage you to check the local library or bookstore for some that reinforce your family’s values. Probably the best thing you can do however is practice. The evaluations I have collected in the parenting classes I have taught on talking to your kids about sexuality, indicate that the most beneficial part of the class was practice. The reasons given are that they were able to gather their thoughts on the subject, and that they had actually said the words with another human being in a role play situation. Consequentially they were better prepared not only for “the talk,” but also for opportunities and questions that arise during the regular comings and goings of life. It may sound foolish, but one of the best things you can do is practice with your spouse or a close friend (talking about it that is!).

As you think about your first or next conversation with your child remember these points adapted from the book, How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Child’s Sexual Character.*

• You are the principle sexuality educator of your child. You will either have an anemic, unintentional, mixed-up and hence negative impact, or a powerful, deliberate, clear and positive impact.
• The best conversations occur at “teachable moments” when discussion and instruction mesh naturally with the events and needs of daily life. One of the best goals for parents to strive for is to become an “askable” parent whom kids can come to with questions.
• First messages are the most potent; it is far more powerful to form a child’s view of sexuality from scratch than it is to correct the distortions they might pick up elsewhere.
• Accurate and explicit messages are far better than cryptic, vague ones.
• Positive messages are more potent than negative messages.
• Repetition is critical; the most important messages about sexuality rarely “get through” on the first try.
• Sexuality is not the most important thing in life. We must strive to put sexuality into its proper perspective.

*Note this book is written from a distinctively Christian perspective but I believe the principles noted above are relevant regardless of one’s worldview.